Unintended Consequences of Marriage

Recently I had an interesting conversation. I was talking with a friend about his relationship with his gielfriend, and he made a comment to the extent of, "I have learned so much about myself in this relationship." We went on to discuss the ways in which dating and marriage are huge tools used by God as He molds us more and more into His likeness.

As we were talking about this, it made me realize something. There are a variety of reasons that people get into a relationship or start dating someone. Sometimes it is just because it is fun or it works. It is the thing to do. Often people want companionship, someone to share life with.  I find it fascinating that God takes this desire within us, this piece of ourselves, and He uses it in such a different way than what we intend it.

In marriage, we are constantly confronted with our own sin. There are points where the other person accepts our sinfulness and failings. But so often we get caught on the carpet. We get caught in our self-lies and self-deception. We are caught as the patterns of sin in our hearts bubble up. We can often fool people from a distance, but a spouse is in close. They see the ways that we fail time and again at the same thing, not just once or twice, but consistently. As a recently married college friend once stated, there are times when his wife looks at him and would just ask, "what are you doing?" He said he often couldn't even answer the question. Our ability to deceive ourselves is strong, and marriage pulls back the cover and lets light flow into those hidden areas.

In marriage, we are also confronted with another sinner. We see not only our own sin, but we have to deal with the sin of another. We get the chance to view their sin up close. Because they are also not as familiar to us, it can be equally as eye opening. We also see the consequence in a new light. And when those choices affect us, it brings another new perspective in. It leads to the interplay between grace and justice. If we only ever sought justice with our spouse, it would very quickly degrade into keeping score. When fairness becomes the ultimate goal no one wins, because it is impossible. There is no way to keep things equal.

Finally, in marriage, forgiveness takes on a different flavor as we are the one being forgiven and needing forgiveness. In marriage, we can learn the power of confession and forgiveness as we seek to live in peace with one another. This proximity, this being in each other's business, has the effect of forcing us to confront our own sin and the other person's sin. We then have the chance to confess and be forgiven, or to receive the other person's confession and to forgive them. We are given daily practice in this necessary process for the Christian life.

Talking to this younger guy was a great reminder of how God has used my marriage to shape and mold me. After a few years, I think it is easier to get into a routine, but I needed the reminder as well to press into those learning opportunities from God. I need to remember to grab those chances to forgive and be forgiven. Through that process of confession and forgiveness, we taste something truly divine, something that only comes from God. The chance to let go of ourselves and be free from the weight of keeping score and comparison. We often get into marriage for different reasons, but it is great to see how God uses it to make us more like him.

Working Through It

Ellie, Mama & Mozzy reunited

Last week, Bethany and I were able to get away for a few days. Bethany's parents watched Ellie, which was something they really enjoyed! It was so good for us to have some time away to relax and rejuvenate. Ellie did really great with Grammy and Grampy and had a lot of fun.

But our first day back, when we tried to put her to bed, she started crying and would not go to bed until Bethany rocked her and got her to sleep. This never happens and in the beginning, we were really confused. She is just getting to the point where she can express what she is thinking about through words or phrases. Last night, as Bethany was putting her to bed, she was saying things like "Mama back" and "Papa back." She was processing her experiences in her own way and working through it all. She was still processing the fact that Mama and Papa were gone but came back.

Part of being an adult means that we get better at stuffing our challenges and issues down and not dealing with them. Ellie thankfully hasn't learned this yet and processes her thoughts and challenges out loud. For us, it is easier to forget or shove things aside and try to forget about them instead of dealing with our issues. A fundamental part of the gospel is that we are not able to heal ourselves and that we need to confess that inability to God and to ourselves. Once we respond to God's calling on our lives, which is to live in communion with Him, we are called into a process of healing and restoration. As we confess our sins, fears and weakness to God and to others, we are able to access the power of the Holy Spirit that continues to transform our hearts! It is a beautiful and painful process of letting go of idols and leaning on our creator.

I needed this reminder to engage in this process. Transformation is a constant process. We need to keep working through it!

Monday Morning Puritans

I have really come to love the Puritan prayers in the book, the Valley of Vision. So often they express hopes and desires that I have in such thoughtful and constructive ways. They are balanced in a way that I think my prayer life and personal thought life rarely is. There is never too much "hell fire and brimstone", but there is an acute awareness of our own sinfulness, and the grace that is never far off. I'd like to share one of these prayers this morning.

Desires

O Thou That Hearest Prayer,

Teach me to pray.

I confess in religious exercises that the language of my lips and the feelings of my heart have not always agreed,

that I have frequently taken carelessly upon my tongue a name never pronounced above without reverence and humility,

that I have often desired things which would have injured me,

that I have depreciated some of my chief mercies,

that I have erred both on the side of my hopes and of my fears, 

that I am unfit to choose for myself,

for it is not in me to direct my steps.

Let thy Spirit help my infirmities,

for I know not what to pray for as I ought.

Let him produce in me wise desires by which I may ask right things,

then I shall know thou hearest me.

May I never be importunate* for temporal blessings,

but always refer them to thy fatherly goodness,

for thou knowest what I need before I ask;

May I never think I prosper unless my soul prospers,

or that I am rich unless rich toward thee,

or that I am wise unless wise unto salvation.

May I seek first thy kingdom and its righteousness.

May I value things in relation to eternity.

May my spiritual welfare be my chief solicitude**.

May I be poor, afflicted, despised and have thy blessing,

rather than be successful in enterprise,

or have more than my heart can wish,

or be admired by my fellow-men,

if thereby these things make me forget thee.

May I regard the world as dreams, lies, vanities, vexations of the spirit, and desire to depart from it.

And may I seek my happiness in thy favour, image, presence, service.

* importunate means to obnoxiously ask

** solicitude here means concern

There are so many things to grab ahold of here, but I really love the prayer of confession at the beginning. I think coming out of a Sunday service experience, it is good and right for us to confess our unbelief and the contradictions that we live with internally. Confessing those to God and to each other is a valuable way to press in to God.

The other section that I really love is towards the end and it talks about our connection to God. The writer asks that he be poor, afflicted and despised with God's blessing, rather than admired and rich and thereby forgetting God. It is easy to get caught up in trying to please other people, or trying to gain their admiration. Our main goal and focus should be nearness and closeness to God. May we continue to seek that.