Unintended Consequences of Marriage

Recently I had an interesting conversation. I was talking with a friend about his relationship with his gielfriend, and he made a comment to the extent of, "I have learned so much about myself in this relationship." We went on to discuss the ways in which dating and marriage are huge tools used by God as He molds us more and more into His likeness.

As we were talking about this, it made me realize something. There are a variety of reasons that people get into a relationship or start dating someone. Sometimes it is just because it is fun or it works. It is the thing to do. Often people want companionship, someone to share life with.  I find it fascinating that God takes this desire within us, this piece of ourselves, and He uses it in such a different way than what we intend it.

In marriage, we are constantly confronted with our own sin. There are points where the other person accepts our sinfulness and failings. But so often we get caught on the carpet. We get caught in our self-lies and self-deception. We are caught as the patterns of sin in our hearts bubble up. We can often fool people from a distance, but a spouse is in close. They see the ways that we fail time and again at the same thing, not just once or twice, but consistently. As a recently married college friend once stated, there are times when his wife looks at him and would just ask, "what are you doing?" He said he often couldn't even answer the question. Our ability to deceive ourselves is strong, and marriage pulls back the cover and lets light flow into those hidden areas.

In marriage, we are also confronted with another sinner. We see not only our own sin, but we have to deal with the sin of another. We get the chance to view their sin up close. Because they are also not as familiar to us, it can be equally as eye opening. We also see the consequence in a new light. And when those choices affect us, it brings another new perspective in. It leads to the interplay between grace and justice. If we only ever sought justice with our spouse, it would very quickly degrade into keeping score. When fairness becomes the ultimate goal no one wins, because it is impossible. There is no way to keep things equal.

Finally, in marriage, forgiveness takes on a different flavor as we are the one being forgiven and needing forgiveness. In marriage, we can learn the power of confession and forgiveness as we seek to live in peace with one another. This proximity, this being in each other's business, has the effect of forcing us to confront our own sin and the other person's sin. We then have the chance to confess and be forgiven, or to receive the other person's confession and to forgive them. We are given daily practice in this necessary process for the Christian life.

Talking to this younger guy was a great reminder of how God has used my marriage to shape and mold me. After a few years, I think it is easier to get into a routine, but I needed the reminder as well to press into those learning opportunities from God. I need to remember to grab those chances to forgive and be forgiven. Through that process of confession and forgiveness, we taste something truly divine, something that only comes from God. The chance to let go of ourselves and be free from the weight of keeping score and comparison. We often get into marriage for different reasons, but it is great to see how God uses it to make us more like him.

We Survived the First Year

We made it! Ellie turned ONE YEAR OLD this week!

A friend from the States called me the other evening on Ellie's birthday to congratulate me for surviving the first year, and I thought, "that's right! I should celebrate! We made it!" By God's grace, everyone is still alive and mostly thriving at the end of Ellie's first year of life. For this, we are extremely grateful.

Looking back on our first year of parenting, here are some thoughts and reflections (in no particular order):

• It actually does get easier! I know we still have many ups and down ahead of us, but I can also say that at the one year mark, life is so much more manageable than it was in the early days. I can finally understand why people manage to have more than one child. Ellie is much more content, easier to care for, more consistent with sleep and a "routine", and a ton of fun!
• Those first few months were the hardest, but they don't last forever. Ellie's first three months of life were really rough for me, both physically and emotionally. I landed back in the hospital for a week when she was 2 weeks old (long long story...) and the post-partum emotions were really difficult for me to manage for awhile. There was a long phase of her life where I was just trying to survive every day and it felt like that phase would last forever. But it didn't. God carried me through and now I understand better that no phase, no matter how difficult, will last forever. It brings new meaning to the phrase, "This too shall pass."
• Everyone's experiences and children are different. With the advent of social media, there are a myriad of ways and opportunities to compare your child to others', especially when you only see the "good stuff". There is so much danger in this and over time, I have learned to accept that every parent and child are different, and this leads to many different parenting decisions. Unless a decision is unbiblical, it is not wrong if it works for that family and that child. Now that I have experienced this firsthand, I am much slower to judge. And I am constantly reminding myself that every parent has difficult moments, no matter how angelic their children seem.
• Every child develops at a different pace! This is very obvious with Ellie and it's pretty
  
  hilarious to me, actually. Apparently, Ellie is following in my footsteps, because she is progressing at a snails' pace just like I did as a baby. At 12 months, she can barely move herself around, cannot crawl, cannot pull up to standing and has no teeth. But I continually remind myself (and am reminded by others) that as long as there are no major developmental concerns, she will be just fine and will get there eventually!
• Parenting is hard on a marriage. I knew this would be true going in, but experiencing it firsthand is something else entirely. Nate and I have really had to work hard to carve out quality time together, and this is difficult when you're so exhausted at the end of the day. Add on top of this increasing ministry responsibilities and living in a foreign culture, and this is quite challenging. It needs to involve a lot of grace, prayer, perseverance and forgiveness.
• Parenting is hard when you're far from family. I love living here and feel very at peace about the fact that God led us here... but I also wish my parents lived down the street. Too bad we can't have both! I know someday we will be able to get a babysitter when Ellie is awake (she's too clingy and just can't handle it yet), but sometimes I dream of a scenario where I could leave her with grandparents every once in awhile. 
• It's true: you do love your children more than anything in the world. Because Ellie's first few months of life were rough, it took me awhile to bond with her and really feel "in love" with her. But those feelings definitely came as I got to see her personality come through and spend real quality time with her. I would gladly give my life for her, and I definitely think she's the coolest, funniest, cutest kid I've ever seen. 
• It was a good idea to get a dog before having a baby. I'm so glad we got through potty training the dog before having a newborn! It was good preparation! And it has been so fun to watch Ellie and Mozzy enjoy each other more and more. I look forward to watching their relationship grow as they both get older.

I could probably keep going, because I'm always learning new things. But suffice to say, the first year was challenging, rewarding and everything in between. Though it wasn't always pretty, we can confidently say God gave us what we needed each day and parenthood has led us to depend on Him in new ways. We have so much to look forward to in year 2!

Thoughtful, Funny and Surprisingly Christian

I was just watching Conan O'Brien's recent Dartmouth commencement address to graduates and "old people who come to these things."  Besides being completely hilarious, Conan opened with the self-deprecating humor he is known for, observing that while a decorated war hero and former president sit on stage, a cable TV host is giving the commencement address.  Based on this, he observed, "I pray that I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today."

Something surprising starts to happen about two thirds of the way into the message.  Conan goes from self-deprecation and shameless pandering of insider collegiate references (if I was giving a commencement address, I don't think I could shy away from these either), to a completely different speech.  He turns on a dime.

Conan shares very candidly about his dream of hosting "The Tonight Show" and watching that dream crumble around him.  That moment of failure brought clarity and forced him to innovate and strike out into the comedic "wild wild west".  His failure to live up to the ideal ultimately led him to cast the vision for his redemption and his future. It led him to strike out into new territory, living in freedom from his failure.

With these concepts, Conan crossed into grace territory. Parallel to his words, it is not our ability to please God or to live up to His standard that makes us right before Him.  When we embrace the free grace of God and accept our failure and inability to achieve God's standard, we are given a chance to live freely and be redeemed.  This profound embracing of failure is not defeat, but it sets the tone for sin's ultimate defeat.  Death destroyed by death.

I'd encourage you to watch Conan's speech and ponder. What stands out to you from Conan's commencement address?