My Birth Story

I've decided to share the story of Maya's birth here, both for my own processing and for the interest of those who want to know. Personally, I really enjoy reading and listening to other mothers' birth stories, and I really appreciate what seems to be a recent trend of women sharing these stories with each other to affirm the miracle of birth, acknowledge how different each birth story can be and to remember such an important event in the life of a family. While I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time listening to the Birth Hour, which allows women to tell their birth stories.

The following gets pretty personal, so read at your own risk. 🙂

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As many of you know, Ellie was born via c-section almost 3 years ago. It was discovered at 29 weeks that my amniotic fluid was low (about half the normal amount), and she needed extra monitoring to make sure she was developing properly. She was also breech and didn't turn, no matter what we did (she had less space to move around, due to the low fluid). So she ended up being a planned c-section a few weeks early.

As soon as Ellie was born, I started asking my doctor and midwife about the possibility of VBAC for my next birth (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I didn't want to get locked in to having c-sections for every birth, and I wanted the experience of a vaginal delivery. Both my care providers said a VBAC was definitely an option, should I have a pregnancy without complications. 

Fast forward to Maya. My due date came and went, without any signs that she was coming soon. At 39 weeks and 40 weeks, I wasn't dilated at all but there was some effacement and my cervix was "very soft" (whatever that means!). Maya was still very high up and wasn't dropping. I had a few contractions at night two nights in a row towards the end, but they didn't turn into anything substantial. She didn't seem to indicate she was ready to come out yet. I was anxious, because I knew my doctor wouldn't let me go very far past my due date, and induction options are limited with a VBAC, because they can increase the chances of uterine rupture at the precious incision. For some reason, I had little faith in my body to go into labor on its own, and I kept telling my midwife, "I'm not surprised she's late. I'm not sure this is going to happen." I wonder, looking back, if my body wasn't ready, because I was so tense and nervous about it all.

Finally, 8 days past my due date, I started trying home induction methods. I used my breastpump, went on long walks, took homeopathic herbs, and then on Tuesday, October 18, I followed a recipe from my midwife for an egg dish with castor oil. I ate it at 4:15 pm, and it tasted fatty but surprisingly, not as bad as I expected. I started trying to line up childcare for Ellie, in the event that the castor oil got things going. At first, I felt queasy but no other symptoms. At 6:45pm, I ended up on the toilet with diarrhea. Then around Ellie's bedtime at 8pm, I started feeling some tightening and discomfort. By 10pm, I started having some contractions. I got in bed soon after, but couldn't sleep and finally got up at 12:15 am when the contractions were intensifying and lying down didn't feel comfortable anymore. They continued throughout the whole night, but weren't so painful that I couldn't cope or breathe through them. I was up all night listening to podcasts, emptying the dish washer and cleaning the house, and bouncing on my birth ball, with contractions lasting a minute and being about 3 - 5 minutes apart.

Ellie eating breakfast with our friends

I was texting regularly with my midwife and finally around 4:45am, we decided to call friends and go in to the hospital. My midwife didn't want us to wait too long, so I could be monitored during labor (because of the VBAC and risks of rupture). We left for the hospital at about 6:30am, but between 5 and 6:30 am, my contractions slowed way way down, to about 10 - 12 minutes apart. I think dealing with logistics and packing up got me distracted and this seemed to affect the contractions. I was nervous about this, but then my contractions picked up in the car on the way to the hospital. We arrived at about 7am and got settled in a delivery room. We turned on our LED candles and essential oil diffuser to create an "atmosphere" in the room.

My water broke just as I arrived in the delivery room to meet my midwife. It was only a little bit (apparently it broke at the top of the sack and not the bottom, so it was only a trickle...I didn't know this was a thing). She checked me and I was dilated to 1 cm. This made me excited that at least I had progressed a little, even if it was barely anything! We hung out in the delivery room for a few hours and also went up onto the outdoor terrace of the hospital to get some fresh air and walk around. At this point, though, the timing of my contractions was a bit sporadic and less regular than it had been at night. I was monitored sporadically to check on Maya. She was doing fine.

Since I had been up all night, I was exhausted, so I tried to lay down on the bed for a moment. I fell asleep and woke up 45 minutes later, very distressed that I had had no contractions for the whole 45 minute nap. This was, in fact, the beginning of a 6 hour lull where I had absolutely no contractions at all. :( I was so discouraged during this time. I wanted to go for a walk to see if that would make things start up again, but I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital. We sat in our room, watching TV on netflix, listening to podcasts and eating lunch. Absolutely nothing was happening. I also spent time figuring out who was going to stay with Ellie for the next few days (it ended up being a complicated puzzle!), because I knew Maya would be arriving some time soon one way or another (because my water had broken).

Finally, at 4pm, my midwife broke my water more fully and then we started pitocin to see if that would help things start back up. Since Maya hadn't descended and I was only at this point dilated to a 2/3, she thought an epidural might help relax everything and help me progress with the pitocin. We started a low dose and contractions did start showing up on the monitor, but things were inconsistent. After the pitocin was increased, the contractions got stronger and more regular, but my midwife kept checking me every hour and progress seemed negligible. She checked me during a contraction and said that it seemed like the top of my uterus was contracting, but not the whole thing and perhaps that was why the cervix wasn't dilating and Maya wasn't coming down. We increased the pitocin again and kept hoping and praying things would change.

Late that evening, between 10 - 11 pm, other things started to happen that indicated things weren't going well. I started bleeding a little and the midwife was concerned about the source of the bleeding. We had reached the maximum dose of pitocin that my doctor was comfortable with and contractions were still inconsistent. I was dliated to about a 4/5 but Maya was still high up. Then, even with the epidural, I started to experience pain with contractions, which my midwife later told me could have been a potential rupture at my previous c-section incision. 

I was at this point given antibiotics, because my water had been broken for 15 hours. My doctor came in to check on progress and was concerned that my body didn't seem to be responding to all of these interventions, and baby wasn't engaging. We had tried everything and had exhausted our options. Plus, with the bleeding and pain, it seemed like baby needed to come out soon. We agreed that we needed to give up at that point and opt for a c-section.

It was a very emotional moment for me. I had spent months preparing and hoping and praying for a vaginal birth, and it seemed like I had so many things in my favor - great care providers, a healthy pregnancy without complications, etc. But sometimes, God has other plans. It was very difficult to give up this dream. There were a lot of tears. But I was also ready for all of it to be over and to meet Maya.

Once we decided to move forward with a c-section, things went fast. They increased my epidural dose, got me into a gown and prepped and then wheeled me into the operating room. (This seemed to happen very quickly to me, with a flurry of activity, but Nate later told me he had plenty of time to pack up our things, bring them to our room and get into scrubs, etc.) On the way to surgery, I nearly passed out in bed from lying on my back and had to lie on my side for a few minutes to recover.

The surgery went very well. Because I had been through it before and knew what to expect, I was pretty calm. I shook a lot, which happened to me last time as well due to the cold and a side effect of the anesthesia. Lots of teeth chattering! When Nate came in, he played songs from Keith and Krystin Getty's album "In Christ Alone" right near my hear to keep me calm. (This is my favorite worship music album). They pulled Maya out at 12:16am, just barely on October 20th (her oldest cousin's birthday!). I didn't have any pain, but I always say from both my c-section experiences that the physical sensation of feeling them pulling and tugging to get the baby out is the weirdest thing I've ever felt. She cried right away, and we were also both crying and feeling very emotional about her finally being here. Both my arms were free to hold and snuggle her. 

After a little while, Nate took her to another room to get her cleaned up with the midwife and I had a nice chat with the nurses in the operating room while they stitched me up. These nurses were so friendly and our conversation really helped distract me from the rest of the surgery. This part went by more quickly than with Ellie's birth. I also asked to see the placenta, which I found very fascinating (and an interesting distraction). Then my doctor said "all done!" and I was surprised at how quickly everything had gone. I got wheeled into the recovery room and finally really got to hold and nurse Maya. We made phone calls to family and then Nate took Maya up to our room, while I stayed in recovery for a few more hours to be monitored and to rest. I didn't make it to our room until about 4am.

Looking back on the birth, I don't think I could have or would have done anything differently. I think we intervened at the right times and did all we could, but my body just wasn't able to fully engage in the process or just wasn't ready for some reason. I dealt tearfully with a lot of disappointment the first week I was home, but I was able to process the experience with Nate, my midwife and some other friends who had been through similar things. I have peace about the final outcome after some of this processing time. I am thankful to live in an age where medical interventions can happen so that both my girls were born healthy. I will probably never give birth the "traditional way" but in the end, God knew this outcome before I did and He protected me along the way. I am thankful to have recovered very smoothly and quickly from the surgery, something I should not take for granted.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Feel free to share thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Rückblick - Looking back

As an intern in our church, I have the privilege of taking part in the elders' meetings. These are very special to me, and I really enjoying meeting with the church leaders. One of the things we do together is take a look back at the previous church functions and events since we last met. This is by no means out of the ordinary, but I appreciate these times to look back and celebrate what God has done in our church, to offer constructive criticisms about what could have been done better and to look forward to the next time we will do this event. I think we don't do these sorts of "after action reports" or reflective times enough.

When I was working at my last job, I had a wonderful boss. She used a weekly meeting form she had stolen from someone else and at the top of the form, you wrote what you accomplished in the previous week. Not what you hoped to do, not what was on your schedule, or what you weren't able to accomplish, but what actually happened. What were the uninvited distractions that stole half your day, but were still important fires to put out? What small tasks did you accomplish as a piece of a larger project, that still isn't finished but has inched ever so little towards the finish line? Write what happened.

It was amazing how difficult this task often was. Sitting and thinking back to the last week, or even yesterday, and asking the question, "what did I fill my day with, anyway?" Often this list ended up being really long. And in that case, it was often really clear why nothing happened on important project X that has been on your desk for three months and still is not finished.

Sometimes in life we are so focused on making it through a season, we forget to reflect on what we actually did to survive. We forget what tools we used to healthily navigate a challenging road or who God used to lift us up when were were feeling totally crushed and alone.

I think it is often important to look back and ask the question, "how did that go?" because the next questions come pretty quickly. "What went really well?" and "what can we improve on next time?" flow out of that. We so easily forget what God has done, and instead we should remember to celebrate them!

One Year Reflections

Arriving at the Vienna airport on October 6, 2012.

Yesterday, we went out to dinner to celebrate one year since landing in Austria. ONE YEAR! We can't believe a year has already passed since we got on a plane, left the States and began this new adventure and new life.

Like many things in life, we experience a paradox when we think of the last year - so much has happened since we left and being in the U.S. feels like a long time ago, so it seems this year has been full and gone by slowly. But at the same time, it feels like it has flown by!

Tiredly posing with teammates at the airport last fall.

Here are some of the amazing things that God has done in the last year:

• He got us here, with 100% support, all of our luggage and a readiness to jump in!
• He enabled us to get acclimated to life here quickly and pass our A1 language exam last fall, required for our visas.
• He answered many prayers and got us us visas to stay in Austria- in record time!
• He healed our German teacher Renate, after she was in a coma and nearly died. She has since revealed that she is going to catholic mass more regularly, and we believe she has encountered God in a new way.
• He opened the door to partner with the Fry family in England AND found us a German tutor while we were there, so that our time across the water was productive and used well while we waited for our visas to return.
• He helped us find the perfect apartment in only TWO DAYS of looking, and we were able to move in just TWO DAYS after we arrived back in Vienna.
• He provided us with many friends and teammates here who helped us paint and put together Ikea furniture, helping our move-in process go more quickly.
• He's given us favor with learning German, and we're amazed at how far we've progressed, when we look back at the last year. We've also had great classroom and tutor experiences across the board, which is truly a gift. Not everyone has had such a great experience as we've had.
• He led us to a great church community in Vienna, where we've been able to plug in, be welcomed and grow in our German. We've met many patient people willing to help us learn.
• He blessed us with our little girl who will be arriving in January, ss well as excellent medical care from our doctor and midwife, helping us feel great about having our first child here in Vienna.
• He also blessed us with our sweet dog, who has already given us MANY opportunities to meet our neighbors and practice German in the park and at puppy class.
• He led us to start a bible study with a few folks from church, which will be a wonderful outreach opportunity and a chance to grow in our ability to discuss deeper topics in German.
• He has blessed us with a community here - a supportive team and friends who have helped us feel at home. This is a huge blessing and one we do not take for granted (or try not to!).

We could go on and on. Suffice it to say, God has opened doors, given us favor, and confirmed his presence with us every step of the way. We are blown away by his blessings, even in the times that have been challenging, tiring and downright difficult. We are still confident that He is working and that He will use us to impact people here, despite our frailty, sin and failures. For this, we are the most grateful.

"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

- Deuteronomy 31:8

Good gifts?

I have been reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book has been on my reading list for years now, and I kept putting it off. Honestly, I thought to myself, "I think I have pretty healthy boundaries in my life. I'm sure it's an interesting book...but I don't really need to read it." Truly a naive thought. But I kept hearing about the book left and right, with recommendations from friends or quotes/references to it. So I finally caved in! And God has been blessing my time as I've been reading it.

One quote from the book recently stood out to me:

"God loves to give gifts to his children, but he is a wise parent. He wants to make sure his gifts are right for us. To know what to ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and what are our real motives. If we are wanting something to feed our pride or to enhance our ego, I doubt that God is interested in giving it to us. But if it would be good for us, he's very interested."

Wow. This really cuts to the core in its honesty and clarity, and it leads me to reexamine my prayers and requests to God. Am I truly examining my heart and motives when I ask God to intervene? Do I trust that God is my 'wise parent' and that He knows what's best, rather than what I think is good for me? Am I expectantly awaiting God's good gifts? These are hard questions and examining them has revealed my many shortcomings!

When we began our journey to Austria, we knew it would be a long and hard road getting there. But we told ourselves and others that God would use this time to mold and shape us, helping us grow into the people He wants us to be when we arrive. That's a great thought, right? But sometimes it's easier to say it than to believe it deeply. It's one thing to ask God to challenge you because you know you will grow...but it's another to welcome challenge when you're in the thick of it. And there have been some low points in the journey where I didn't necessarily want to be "molded and shaped" anymore.

The Boundaries quote has brought me back to focusing on trusting God's provision and plan as our loving Father, no matter what hardship lies ahead. It brings me back to a healthy examination of my requests to God. It reminds me that God knows best.

What does this quote lead you to dwell on in your relationship with God?